CANBERRA, ACT - After running a thousand errands, working hours of
overtime, and being stuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic
commuting to and from their jobs, millions of Australians were
disheartened to learn that it was, in fact, only Tuesday.
"Tuesday?" Canberra resident Doris Wagner said. "How in the hell is it
still Tuesday?"
Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarish
slog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever going
to end, and others to ask what was taking Saturday so goddamn long.
"Ugh," said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it not
even being Wednesday at the very least.
According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week may
in fact last forever was further compounded by the thought of all the
work left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if
Australians make it that far, possibly even Friday, for Christ's sake.
Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were also
expressed.
"Not only do Australians have most of Tuesday morning to contend with,
but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night," National Labor
Relations Board spokesman David Prynn said. "If our calculations are
correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than
the one coming up.
Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke could not be
confirmed as of press time.
Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watches
or clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in
the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while
sitting in the waiting room, have also proven unsuccessful, sources
report.
The National Institute of Standards and Technology, which oversees the
official time of Australia, is flatly denying that it has slowed or
otherwise tampered with Tuesday's progression.
"The current Tuesday is keeping apace with past Tuesdays with no more
than one ten-thousandth of a second's variation at the most," NIST
spokeswoman Dr. Geraldine Schach said. "However, I sympathize with the
common consensus that this week has already been a colossal pain in the
neck."
Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing widespread
speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares.
"We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with
meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left
to organise," Chao's statement read in part. "Yet we urge Australians to
show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have
strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it."
"Go about your lives as best you can," the statement continued. "Do not,
we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it'll make the rest of the week
that much harder to endure."
In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the
interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.
"The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take"
said Dale Bouchard, a Sydney-based broker who has been waiting for today
to be over since it first began earlier this morning. "Honestly, today
could not have come at a worse time this week."
In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it is
somehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.
